To anyone who might still be subscribed to this blog as a stamping fan, I think this is where I'll lose you. I have stamped exactly two cards since my last post almost 6 months ago, and both were stamped under duress at the request of co-workers when we needed retirement cards for two of our colleagues. I just don't have it in me anymore. I've sold off a lot of my stuff and am in the process of selling more. In my free time these days, stamping is the last thing I feel like doing. I'm keeping some basics and a few of my favorite supplies, so maybe someday I'll get back to it. But not any time soon.
So, this blog is going to turn into a blog about whatever I want it to be. Life, cooking, random observations, etc. Today it's a post to vent and I guess maybe to hold myself accountable a little. I want to write about my struggle with weight loss. As for so many people, it's an ongoing battle. I hit my all-time high weight in January 2009. I was about 45 pounds above my goal weight. I decided I'd had it and things were going to change. I would lose a few, then gain a couple, and it was a slow process. Slow is the only way I know how to do this. I am not now and will never be someone who can eliminate an entire food group and I will never be someone who enjoys boot camp type exercise. The only way I've been successful is to not prohibit myself from eating anything, but to just be careful about portion sizes and enjoy treats in moderation. My kind of exercise is going for a walk on the beach or getting on the treadmill for an hour at a moderate pace and read a good book while I'm on there. My method means slow weight loss, but that's ok. By the start of 2010, I was down 20 lbs, which isn't a lot for a year, but at only 5'3", 20 lbs made a big difference in how I looked, felt, and how my clothes fit.
In January, I lost another 7 lbs, which is a lot for one month for me, and I wasn't even trying. Unfortunately, it was due to a complete loss of appetite after some unexpected boy-related heartache. Which meant that once I started feeling better, my appetite returned, and so did the weight. And, because I had wasted the first month or so of this year feeling sad, I decided I needed to bounce back in a major way and throw my social life into overdrive. Which is a great thing, but the downside is that nearly all social activities, at least in the area I live and with the friends I have, include eating and drinking. Lunches, dinners, happy hours...sign me up! And it's been a blast, but my waistline has paid for it. Some of my friends and I had started a Biggest Loser competition at the start of the year, and it ended Memorial Day weekend. How much did I lose? Nothing. In fact, I gained about 3 lb. Which, since I had lost those 7 lbs. in January, actually meant I gained 10. Disturbing.
Instead of this serving as the motivation I needed to get back on track, I just stopped weighing myself for a few weeks. I went on vacation, where our plans mainly centered around what awesome (and likely unhealthy) thing we would eat for our next meal. I continued to go to lunches and dinner and happy hours, including my latest happy hour just this past week, which lasted 7 hours, and included three different bars, 4 martinis, I'm-not-sure-how-many pints of beer, taquitos, chips and guacamole, fries, and wings. Ooops. I've sure been having fun, but I feel awful. I have no energy, and I'm starting to notice that clothes that I was so excited to fit back into are getting snug again. It's becoming a problem for sure. But still, I've slacked off on exercising and have paid no attention to what I shove in my mouth.
Today a new round of Biggest Loser started and I stepped on the scale for the first time in three weeks to find I have gained three more pounds since Memorial Day. Gross. So I think something has finally clicked and today is my fresh start. I can't keep going like this. I'm too young and have too many things I want to do to let this hold me back anymore. I'm not a confident person as it is, so I need all the help I can get to feel good about myself. And tight waistbands are not going to do that. So today I become accountable again. I'm going to pay more attention to what I eat. I'm still going to enjoy myself, but in moderation. There's no way I'm passing on happy hour, but if I behave the majority of the time, then I know I can splurge a little and be just fine. I need to get back to exercising regularly too. I'm going to do something, anything, even if it is just a slow stroll along the beach, for at least 30 minutes, at least 5 days a week. That's not too much to ask of myself. I've done it before, and I can do it again.
I'm not sure if anyone will even see or read this post, but I feel good for having put it out there. I think journaling and putting my feelings into words is a really healthy process, so I guess that's what I'm doing, though why I decided it needs to be published for the world to read, I'm not sure. Maybe there is someone who will read this who is going through the same struggles and it'll be helpful for them to know that someone else relates. Regardless, today is the first day to a new me. I've got about 34 lbs to lose to get to what I have always had in my head as a reasonable goal weight. I'll never be skinny, and I know that. I'm just not built that way. But the last time I was at my goal weight, I looked and felt good, and I know I can get there again, one baby step at a time.